401
Paradoxes.
1 That woemen ought to paynt.
of the following
Printed
fowlenesse is loathsome... Can that bee so which
helpes it? Who forbiddes his beloued to gird in her waste,
to mend by shooing her vneuen lamenesse, to burnish
her teethe or to perfvme her breath? yet that the
face bee more prciselyprecisely
regarded, it concernes more.
For as open confessing sinners are always punished,
but the wary and concealing, offending without wit-
nesse,
doe it also without punishment: So the secret
parts needs lesse respect; But of the face, discovered
to all examinations and surueyes, there is not too nice
a Iealousy. Nor doth it onely draw the busy eyes, but
is also subiect to the diuinest touch of all, to kissing
the strange and misticall vnion of souls. If shee
should prostitute herselfe to a moore vnworthy man
then thy selfe, how earnestly, and how iustly wouldst
thou exclayme? Then, for want of this easyer and
readyer way of repayring, to betray her body to
ruyne and deformity, the tyrannous rauishers and
deflowrers of all woemen, what a haynous Adultery
it is? What thou lov'st most in her face is collour,
and paynting giues that. But thou hatest it not
because it is, but because thou knowest it. Foole
whome onely Ignorant makes happy. The Svnn
the Stars, the Skye whome thou admirist, alas
have no colour, but are fayre because they seeme
to bee coloured. If this seeming will not satisfy
thee in her, thou hast good Assurance of her
colorcolour
when thov seest her lay it on. If her face bee
paynted vpon a boord or a wall, thou wilt love it
and the board and the wall; canst thou lothe
it when it speakes smiles and kisses because tis
paynted? Are wee not more delighted
171with–
402
with seeing Birds fruits and beasts paynted then with the
naturalls?. And doe wee not with pleasure behold the
paynted shapes of Monsters and deuills, whome true
wee durst not regard? Wee repayre the ruynes
of our houses, but first cold tempests warne vs of
it, and bite vs through it. wee mend the wracks and
staynes of our Apparrell but first our owne eyes
and other bodyes are offended. But by this prouidence
of woemen this is prevented. If in kissing, or breathing
vpon her the paynting fall off, thou wilt bee angry.
wilt thou bee so if it sticke on? Thou didst loue her.
If thou biginst to hate her, then it is because shee
is not paynted. If thou wilt say now thou didst
hate her before, Thou didst hate her and loue her
together. Bee constant in something, and loue
her who shewes her greate loue to thee, in taking
this paynes to seeme lovely to thee./
2 That a wise man is knowne
by much laughing.
Ride si sapis ô puella ride. If thou beest wise laugh.
ffor since the powers of discourse and reason and
laughter bee æqually proper onely to man, why
should not hee bee most wise that hath most vse
of laughing, as well as hee that hath most vse of
reasoning and discoursing? I always did and shall
vnderstand that Adage Per multūmultum
risūrisum poteris
cognoscere stultūstultum, That by much laughing thou
mayst knowe there is a foole, not that the laughers
ar fooles but that amongst them there is some foole
wchwhich
wise men laugh at wchwhich moved Erasmus to put
this as the first Argument in the mouth of his
Folly, that shee made beholders laugh, ffor fooles
ar the most laughd at, and laugh the least them
selues of any.
And
403
And nature sawe this faculty so necessary in man
that she hath bin contented that by more causes
wee should bee importuned to laugh then by any of
any other power. And therefore
fforFor things in them
-
selues vtterly contrary begett this effect.
fforFor wee
laugh both at witty and absurd things. At both
wchwhich
I haue seene men laugh so long, and so earnestly,
that at last they haue wept that they could laugh
no more. And therefor the poet, hauing described
the quietnesse of a wise retyred man, sayth in one
what wee haue sayd in many lines before. Quid
facit Canius tuus? Ridet. wee haue receaued
that extremity of laughing, yea of weeping also,
hath bin accounted wisedome, and Democritus and
Heraclitus, the lovers of these extreames, haue
bin accounted lovers of wisedome. Now amongst
our wise men, I doubt not but many would
bee found that would laugh at Heraclitus his
weeping, but none that would weepe at the
laughing of Democritus. At the hearing of
Comedyes, and other witty reporet, I haue known
some, who not vnderstanding Jests, yet haue
chosen this the best way to seeme vnderstanding,
and wise, to laugh when theyr companions laugh,
and I haue prsumedpresumed
them ignorant whome I haue
seene vnmooved. A foole, if hee come to a princes
court and see a gay man leaning at the wall,
so glittering, so paynted in many colours, that
hee is hardly discerned from one of the pictures
in the Arras hangings, his Body, like an Iron-
bound chest, girt in, and thicke ribbd with brode
gold laces, may, and comonly doth, envy him.
But Alas shall a wise man (that may not only
not envye, but not pitty this monster) doe nothing?
172yes
404
yes, let him laugh. And if one of those hot colerike
firebrands wchwhich
nourish themselues by quarrelling
and kindling others, spitt vpon a foole but one
sparke of disgrace, Hee like a thatchd house
quickly burning, may bee angry. But the wise
man, as cold as a Salamander, may onely
not bee angry with him, but not bee sorry for him.
Therefore let him laugh. So shall hee bee knowne
to bee a man that hee can laugh, a wiseman that
hee knowes at what to laugh, and a valiant
man that hee dares laugh, for who laughs is
iustly reputed more wise then at whome it is
laughed. And hence proceedes that
wchwhich, in these
latter formall times I haue much noted, That
now when our superstitious ciuility of manners
is growne but a mutall tickling flattery
from one another, almost every one affects a
humour of jesting, and is content to deiect and
deforme himselfe, yea to become foole, to no
other end, that I can spye, but to giue his
wise companions ocasion to laugh, and shewe
himselfe wise, which promptnesse if laughing
is so greate in wise men, that I thinke all
wise men, if any wise man doe reade this para
doxe, will laugh, both at It, and Mee.
3 That
405
3 That all things kill themselues
To affect, yea to effect theyr owne deaths all liuing thinges
ar importuned, not by nature onely wchwhich perfects
them
but by Art and Education wchwhich
perfects her. plants,
quickned and inhabited by the most vnworthy soule,
(wchwhich
therfore neyther will, nor worke) affect an end,
a perfection, a death. This they spend theyr spirites
to attayne, This attayned they languish and wither,
and by how much more they are by mans Industry
warmed and cherished, and cherished, So much the
more early they climbe to this perfection, this death.
And if, betweene men, not to defend bee to kill;
what a haynous selfe-murther it is not to
defend it selfe? This defence Beasts neglect, they
kill themselues, because they exceede /vs/ in number
strength, and lawless liberty. yea of horses, and
so of other beasts, they wchwhich
inherit most courage,
by beeing bredd of gallant parents; and by artificiall
nursing are betterd, will runne to theyr owne deaths,
neyther sollicited by spurrs, wchwhich
they neede not, nor
by honour, wchwhich they apprhendapprehend not. If the then valiant
kill themselues, who can excuse the Coward? Or
how shall man bee free from this, since the first man
taught vs this? Except wee cannot kill ourselues
because hee killd vs all. yet least somthing should
repayre this cōmoncommon ruine, wee dayly kill ourselues
with surfets, and our minds with Anguishes. Of
our powers, remembring kills our Memory; Of
Affections, lusting our Lust; Of Vertues, giuing
kills liberality. And if these things kill themselves
they doe it in theyr best and extreme perfection,
fforFor after perfection
īmediatelyimmediately follows excesse
wchwhich changes the natures and the names,
173and
406
and makes them not the same things. If then the best
things kill themselues soonest (for no Affection endures,
and all things labour towards perfection) all trauell
to theyr owne death. yea the frame of the whole
world (if it were possible for god to bee idle): yet
because it begunn, must dye. Then in this Idlenesse
imagined in God, what could kill the world but it
selfe? Since out of nothing it is. /
4 That Nature is our worst guide
Shall shee bee guide to all creatures, which is
herselfe one? Or if shee haue her selfe a Guide, shall
any creature haue a better guide than wee? The
Affections of lust and Anger, yea even to erre
are naturall, shall wee follow these? Can shee bee
a good guide to vs wchwhich
corrupteth not onely vs
but her selfe? Was not the first man by desire of
knowledge corrupted, even in the whitest integrity
of nature? And did not Nature (if Nature doe any
thing) infuse into him this desire of knowledge, and
sow this corruption in him, in her selfe, in vs? If by
nature wee shall vnderstand our Essence, our Reaso-
nablenesse,
our definition, then this beeing alike
cōmoncommon to all (the Idiot and the wizard beeing alike
reasonable) why shall not all men hauing æqually
all one nature, follow one course? Or if wee shall
vnderstand our Inclinacons, Alas how weake a
guide is that wchwhich
followes the temperature of
slimy bodyes (fforFor wee cannot say wee deriue our
inclinations, our mindes, our soules from our parentes
any way. To say it as All from All is errour in
reason (for then, with the first, nothing remaynes)
Or as part from all, is errour in experience, for
then this part æqually imparted to many children
would
407
would, as Gauelkind lands, in fewe generations
become nothing, Or to say it by CōmunicationCommunication is
error in Diuinity, For to cōmunicatecommunicate the Ability
of CōmunicatingCommunicating whole essence with any but God,
is vtter blasphemy. And if thou hast thy fatheres
nature and Inclination, Hee also had his fathers, and so, climing
vp, all come of one man, all haue one nature, all
embrace one course. But that cannot bee.
Therefore, our complection and whole bodyes wee
inherit from our fathers, Our Inclinations and mindes
follow that, fforFor our mind is heauy in our Bodyes
Afflictions, and reioyceth in the bodyes pleasures,
How then shall this nature gouernd vs which is
gouernd by the worst part of vs? /Nature, though
wee chase it away, will returne agayne, tis
true, But those good Motions and Inspirations
wchwhich
ar our guides, must bee wooed and courted,
and welcomed, or else they abandon vs. And
that old Tu nihil invita dices faciesue Minerva
must not bee ment that thou shalt, but thou wilt doe
nothing agaynst Nature; so vnwilling hee notes vs
to curbe our owne naturall Appetites. Wee call our Bastardes
always our naturall, children and issue, and wee
designe a foole by no name so ordinarily as by the
name of a Naturall. And that poore knowledge
whereby wee but conceaue what rayne is, what
Thunder, what winde, wee call Metaphisicall,
Supernaturall. Such small things such nothinges
doe wee allow to our playne Natures
comprhensioncomprehension.
Lastly by following her wee loose the pleasant and
lawfull cōmodityescommodityes of this life. for wee shall
eate Acornes, and drinke water, and feede
on rootes and those not so sweete and delicate as
now by mans Art and Industry they ar made. Wee
shall loose the necessity of societyes and lawes
Artes and Sciences, wchwhich
are all the workmanship of Man
yea–
174
408
yea wee shall lack the last best refuge of misery, death,
because no death is naturall. fforFor if
you will not dare
to call all death vyolent (though I see not why sicknesses
ar not vyolences) yet confesse that all deaths proceede
from the defect of that wchwhich
nature made perfect,
and would preserve, and therefore ar All agaynst Nature
5. That onely Cowards dare dye
Extreames ar æqually remoou'd from the meane, so
that, headlong desperatenesse as much offends true
valorvalour as backward
cowardnesse, of wchwhich sort I
iustly recken all vnenforced deaths. When will
yoryour
valiant man dye necessited? So cowards suffer what
cannot bee auoyded, and to runne to death vnim-
portund,
is to runne into the first condemned des-
peratness.
will hee dye when hee is rich and happy?
Then, by liuing, hee might doe more good, And in
Affliction and misery death is the chosen refuge of
Cowards. ffortiterFortiter
ille facit qui miser esse potest.
But it is taught and practiced among our Valiant,
that rather then our reputation suffer any mayme,
or wee any misery, wee shall offer our Breasts to
the Cannons mouth, yea to our swords points. And
this seemes a very braue, and a very climing,
wchwhich
indeed is a very cowardly and earthly, and a
very groueling spirit. Why doe they chayne
those slaues to the Galleys, but that they thirst
theyr deaths, and would at every loose leape into
the seas. Why do they take weapons from condem-
ned
men, but
to barre them from the ease wchwhich
cowards affect, a speedy death.
Truely–
409
Truly this life is a tempest and a warfare, and hee
that dares dye, to escape the Anguishes of it, seemes
to mee to bee as valyant as hee that dares hang
himselfe least hee should bee prest to the warres.
I haue seene one in that extremity of Melancholy
(wchwhich,
then, was Madnesse) to make his owne breath
an instrument to stopp his breath, and labour to
choke himselfe, but alas hee was madd. And
wee knewe another that languishd vnder the
oppression of a poore disgrace, that hee tooke
more paynes to dye, then would haue serud to haue
nourished spirit and life enough to haue outliued
his disgrace. What foole will call this cowardlinesse
valour, or this basenesse humility? And lastly
of those men that dye that Allegoricall death
of entring into Religion, how fewe ar found fitt
for any shewe of valiancy, but onely of soft and
supple mettall, made onely for cowardly soli-
tarynesse./
6 That the gifts of the body are better
then those of the mind, or fortune
I say agayne that the bodye makes the mind,
not that it creates, but formes it a good or
badd mind, and this mind may bee confounded
with soule without any vyolence or Iniustice
to reason or philosophy. Then our Soule (mee seemes)
is enabled by the body, not this by that. My body
licenseth my soule to see the worlds beautyes
through mine eyes, to heare pleasant things
through mine eares, and affords it apt organs
for conveyance of all peceaveable delighyts
175But
410
But alas my soule cannot make any part, that is
not of it selfe disposed, to see, or heare, though
without doubt shee bee as able and as willing to
see behind as before. Now if my soule would say
that shee enables any part to tast these pleasures
but is, her selfe, onely delighted with those rich sweete-
nesses
that her inward eye and senses apprehend,
shee would dissemble. fforFor I feele her often solaced
with beautyes wchwhich
shee sees through mine eyes, and
with musick wchwhich
shee through my eares heares.
This perfection, then, my body hath, that it can impart
to my mind all his pleasures, and my mind hath
still many that shee can neyther teache my in disposedindisposed
parts, her facultyes, nor to the best disposed parts
shew that beauty of Angels, or Musick of Spheares
whereof shee boasts the contemplacōncontemplacion.
AreAre chastity
Temperance, ffortitudeFortidude gifts of the mind⸮ I appeale
to phisitians whether the cause heereof bee not
in the body. Health is a gift of the body, and
patience in sicknesse of the mind, Then who will
say this patience is as good a happinesse as
health, when wee must bee extreamly miserable to haue
this happinesse⸮ And for nourishing of civill societyes, and
mutuall love amongst men, wchwhich
is our cheefest end why
wee are men, I say the beauty, presencepresence, and proportion
of the body hath a more masculine force in begetting
this love, then the vertues of the mind. For it strikes us
suddaynly, and possesseth us imēdiatelyimmediately, when to
knowe these vertues requyres sound Judgement in
him that shall discerne, and a longer tryall and
conversation betweene them. And even at last, how
much of our fayth shall wee bee driven to bestowe
to assure our selves that these vertues are no
counterfeits⸮ for it is the same to bee and to seeme
vertuous, because hee that hath no vertue cācan dissemble none
But
411
But hee that hath a little, may gild and enāmellenammell,
yea and transforme much vice into vertue. fforFor
allow a man to bee discreete and flexible to com-
panyes,
(wchwhich
ar greate vertues and gifts of the
mind,) this discretion will bee to him the soule and
Elixar of all vertues, so that, touched with
this, our pride shall bee made humility; and
cowardise, honourable and wise valour. But
in things seene there is not this danger. fforFor
the body wchwhich
thou louest and esteemest fayre, is
fayre certaynly, And if it bee not fayre in per-
fection,
yet it is fayre in that degree that thy
Iudgement is good, And in a fayre body I doe
seldome suspect a disproportiond mind, or an
exceeding good in a deformed./ When I see a
goodly house, I assure my selfe of a worthy posses-
sour,
and from a ruinous witherd building
I turn away, because it seemes eyther stuffed
with varlets, as a prison, or handled by a
negligent vnworthy tenant that so suffereth
the wast thereof. And truely the goode of fortune,
wchwhich
ar riches, ar onely handmayds yea pandares
of the bodyes pleasures. With theyr service
wee nourish health and
prservepreserve beauty, and
wee buy delights. So that, vertue which must
bee loued for it selfe, and respects no farther
ends, is in deed nothing, And riches whose
ende is the good of the body, cannot bee so
perfectly good as the end whereto it leuells. /
176
67. That—
412
7. That good is more cōmoncommon
then Evill
I have not bin so pittifully tyred with any vanity
as with silly old mens exclayming agaynst these
times, and extolling theyr owne. Alas, they betray
themselues, fforFor if the times bee changed, theyr
manners haue changed them. But/theyr/senses
are to pleasure as sicke mens tast to liquors.
fforFor indeed no new thing is donne in the world.
All things are what and as they were, and Good
is as ever it was, more plenteous, and must of
necessity bee more cōmoncommon then evill, because it
hath this for nature and perfection, to bee cōmoncommon.
It makes loue to all Natures, and all affect it.
So that in the worlds early Infancy, there was
a time when nothing was evill. But if this
world shall suffer dotage, in the extreamest croo-
kednesse
thereof, there shall bee no time where
nothing shall bee good. It dares appeere and
spredd and glister in the world, but evill buryes
it selfe in night and darknesse, and is chastised
and suppressed when good is cherished and rewar-
ded.
And as Imbroyderers, Lapidaryes, and
other Artisans can by all things adorne theyr
worke, for by adding better things they better
the shewe and lustre and eminency; so good doth
not onely prostrate her Amiablenesse to all,
but refuses no end, no not of her other
Contrary evill, that shee may bee more cōmoncommon to vs
ffor—
413
fforFor evill Manners are parents of good Lawes,
and in every evill there is an excellency,
wchwhich, in
cōmoncommon speeche, wee call good.
fforFor the fashion of
habits, for the mouing in gestures, for phrases in
our speeche, wee say they were good as long as
they were vsed, that is, as long as they were
cōmoncommon. And wee eate, wee walke, onely when it
seemes good to doe so. All fayre, All profitable,
All vertuous is good; And these three things
I thinke embrace all things but theyr vtter
contraryes, Of wchwhich also,
fayre may bee rich and
vertuous; poore may bee fayre vertuous and
fayre; virtuous may bee fayre and rich. So that
good hath this good meanes to bee cōmoncommon, that
some subiects shee may possesse entirely, and
in subiects poysoned with evill shee can humbly
stoope to accompany the evill. And of indifferent
things, many ar become perfectly good by beeing
cōmoncommon, as customes by vse are made binding
lawes. But I remember nothing that is
, thereforeis,
therefore, ill because it is cōmoncommon, but woemen,
of whome also they that ar most CōmonCommon
ar
the best of that occupation they professe /
8 That by Discord things encrease.
Nullos esse Deos, inane cœlum,
Affirmat Selius probatprobatque, quod se
Factum vidit, dum negat hæc,
beatũbeatum
So I assevere this the more boldly, because
while I mayntayne it, and feele the contrary
repugnances, and adverse fightings of the
Elements in my body, my body increaseth
And—
177
414
And while I differ from cōmoncommon opinions, by this discord the
number of my paradoxes encreaseth. All the rich bene-
fits
wchwhich
wee can frame to our selues in concord is but
an eeuen conservacōnconservacion
of things, in wchwhich evenesse wee
may expect no change, no motion; therefore no increase
no AugmentacōnAugmentacion
wchwhich is a member of Motion. And if
this vnity and peace can giue increase to things,
how mighty is Discord and Warre to that purpose,
wchwhich
ar indeed the onely ordinary parents of peace!
discord is neuer so barren that it affords no fruite,
fforFor the fall of one State is, at worst, the encreaser
of another, for because it is as impossible to find
a discōmoditydiscommodity without Advantage, as to find corrup-
tion
without generacōngeneracion.
But it is the nature and
Office of concord, to prseruepreserue
onely, wchwhich is the greatest
discord of all. All Victoryes, and Emperyes gayned
by warre, and all iudiciall decidings of doubts in
peace, I clayme children of discord. And who can
denye but controuersies in Religion are growne grea-
ter
by discord? And not the controuersy, but even
the Religion it selfe. fforFor in a troubled misery Men
ar always more relligious, then in a secure peace.
The number of good men, the onely charitable
nourishers of Concord, wee see is thinne, and dayly
melts and waynes, But of Badd discording, it
is infinite, and growes howerly. Wee ar ascertayned
of all disputable doubts onely by arguing and
differing in opinion. And if formall disputation,
(which is but a paynted, counterfeate, and dissembled
Discord) can worke vs this benefitt, what shall
not a full and Maine Discord accomplish? Truely
mee thinks I owe a deuotion, yea a Sacrifice, to
Discord for casting that Ball vpon Ide, and
for all that businesse of Troy,
whome—
415
whom ruyned I admire more then Rome, or Babilon
or Quinzay, remoued corners not onely fulfilld
with /her/ fame, but with Cittyes and Thrones
planted by her fugitiues. Lastly, betweene
cowardise and dispayre Valour is gendred,
and so the Discord of all extreames beggettes
all vertues. But of the like things there is
no issue without miracle.
Vxor Pessima, pessimus maritus
Miror tam male convenire vobis
Hee wonders that betweene two so like there
should bee any discord: yet perchance for
all this discord there was nere the lesse
encrease. /
9 That it is possible to find some
Vertue in some woman.
I am not of that lewd Impudency that I dare
defend woemen, or pronounce them good. yet
when wee see phisitians allow some vertue in
every poyson, alas why should wee except woemen
since certaynly they are good for phisick, as
some wine is good for a feauer? And though
they bee the ocasioners of most sinnes, yet
are they the punishers and revengers also
of the same sinnes, for I haue seldome seene
any who consums his body and substance
vpon them escape Diseases and Beggery,
And this is theyr Iustice. And if suū cuisuum
cuique
dare bee the fulfilling of all civil Iustice,
they are most iust, for they denye that
178 wch
416
wchwhich is
theyrs to no man.Tanquan non liceat nulla
puella negat. And who may doubt of greate wisedome
in them, that doth but observe with how much labour
and running our justicers and other despensers of
the lawes, study to entrace them, and how zealously
yoryour Preachers
dehort men from them, onely by vrging
theyr pollicies, subtiltyes, and wisedome,
wchwhich ar in
them, yea in the worst and most prostitute sort of
them. And who can deny them a greate measure of
fortitude if hee doe but consider how many and
how valiant men they haue overthrowne, and
beeing themselues overthrowne, how much, and
how patiently they beare. And though they bee
most intemperate, I care not for that, for I
vndertooke to furnish them with some Vertues not
with all. Necessity wchwhich
makes even badd thinges
good, prevayles also for them, fforFor wee may say
of them as of some sharpe and pinching lawes,
If me were free from Infirmityes, they were
needelesse, but they bee both good scourges for
badd men. These or none must serve for
reasons. And it is my greate happinesse
that examples proue not rules, for to con-
firme
firm this rule, the world yeelds not one
example. /
10
That old men are more
ThatFantastique then young
Who reades this Paradox will thinke mee more
fantastique then I was yesterday when I did
not thinke so, and if one day make this change
in mee, what will the burden of many yeares?
To
417
To be fantastique, in young men is a conceited
distemperature, and a witty madnesse, But
in old men whose sences ar witherd, it becomes
naturall, and therefore more full, and ꝑfectperfect.
fforFor as, when wee sleepe, our fancy is most strong
so is it in Age, wchwhich
is a slumber of the longdeepe
sleepe of death. They taxe vs of Inconstancy,
wchwhichin themselues
young they allowed, so that
reproouing that wchwhich
they did approue, theyr
Inconstancy exceedes ours, because they haue
changed once more then wee. Yet they ar more
idly busyed in conceited Apperrell then wee
fforFor wee when wee are melancholy weare
black, when lusty, greene, when forsaken,
Tawny, pleasing our owne inward Affections
leauing them to others indifferent. But they
prscribeprescribe
lawes, and constrayne the noble, the
scholler, the Merchant, and all estates to
certayne habits. The old men of our times
haue changed with patience theyr owne bodys,
much of theyr lawes, much of theyr language,
yea theyr Religion, and yet they accuse vs.
To bee amorous, is proper and naturall
in a young man, In an old man most
fantastique. And that ridling humour
of Iealousy, wchwhich
seekes, and would not find,
wchwhich enquyres, and repents his knowledge,
is in Them most cōmoncommon, yet most fantastique.
yea, that wchwhich falls never amongst young
men, is among them most fantastique and naturall
179
that is
418
that is, Couetousnesse, at theyr Iournyes end to make
prouision. Is any habit in young me so fantastique
as in the hottest season to bee double gownd
and hooded like out Elders? And seemes it so
ridiculous to weare long hayre as to
weare none? Truely, as, among the philosophers,
the Sceptique, wchwhich
doubted all, was more
contentious then the Dogmatique which affirmd
or the Academique, wchwhich
denyd, All: so are
these vncertayne Elders, wchwhich
both call them
fantastique wchwhich
follow others Inventions,
and then also wchwhich
ar ledd by theyr owne
humoeshumores
more fantastique then other./
419
180
420
421
Problemes
1 Why are Courtiers Atheists sooner then
Men of other Conditions?
Is it because, as phisitians contemplating Nature and
finding many abstruse things subiect to the search
of reason, thinke therefore that all is so: So they
seeing mens destinyes made at court, necks put out
and in ioynt there, warrs, peace, life, death derived
from thence, climb no higher? Or doth a familiarity
with greatnesse, and dayly Acquayntance and conversacōnconversacion
with it, breede a contempt of greatnesse? Or because
they see that opinion, and neede of one another, and
feare, makes the degrees of Servants Lords and
kings, doe they thinke likewise that God, for such
Evasions hath bin mans creature? Perchance it
is because they see Vice prosper best there, And
burdend with Sinne, doe they not
endeuorendeuour to put
off the feare and knowledge of God, as facinorous
men deny Magistracy? Or are they most Atheistes
in that place, because it is the foole that hath
sayd in his heart there is no God?
2 Why did Sr. Walter Rawleighx
write the History of these times?
Because beeing told at his Arraignment that a
witnesse accusing himsefe had the force of two
Hee thinkes by writing the ills of his times to bee
beleeved. Or is it because hee would reenioye those
times by the meditation of them?
181 or
422
Or because if hee should vndertake higher times hee doth
not thinke hee can come any neerer to the beginning
of the world, or because, like a Bird in a Cage, hee
takes his tunes from every one that last whistled
Or because hee thinkes not that the best Eccho that
repeates most of the Sentence, but that
wchwhich repeats
lesse more playnly.
3 Why doe Greate Men of all theyr depen-
dants
choose to peferrepreferre theyr Bawdes.
It is not because they are got neerest theyr secrets,
for they whome they bring were neerer. nor because
cōmonlycommonly they and theyr Bawds haue lyen in one
belly, for then they should loue theyr Brethren
as well. nor because they are witnesses of theyr
weaknesse, for they are weake ones. Rather it
is because they haue a double hold and
obligacōnobligacion
vpon theyr masters for prouiding them surgery
and remedy after, as well as pleasure before,
and bringing them such stuff, as they shall
always neede this service, or because they may
bee receau'dreceaued
and entertaynd every where, and
Lords fling of none but such as they may vndoe
by it. Or perchaunce wee deceaue ourselues
and every Lord hauing many, and of necessity
some rising, wee marke onely these./
4 Why doth not Gold soyle the fingers?
Doth it direct all the Venim to the heart? Or
is it because Bribing should not bee discouerd?
Or because that should passe purely for wchwhich pure
things ar giuen, as Love,
honorhonour, Iustice, and Heauen
Or doth it seldome come in Innocents hands, but in
such as for former fowlenesse youyou
cannot discover this?
5 Why
423
5 Why dye none for loue now?
Because woemen ar become easyer? Or because
these later times haue prouided mankind of
more new meanes for destroying themselues, as
Poxe, Gunpowder, young marriages and Con-
troversyes
in Religion? Or is there in truth
no president and example of it? But per-
chance
some doe dye, but are therefore not
worthy the remembrance or speaking of.
6 Why doe young Laymen so much
study Diuinity?
Is it because others sending busily the Church
prfermtspreferments,
neglect study? Or had the church of
Rome shutt vp all our wayes till the Lutherans
broke downe theyer outermost stubborne dores
and the Calvinists pickd theyr inward and
subtillest lockes? Surely the devill cannot bee
such a foole as to hope to make that study
contemptible by making it cōmoncommon, Nor, as
the dwellers by the river Ogus ar sayd (by draw-
iing
infinite ditches to sprinkle theyr barren
country) to have exhausted and intercepted the
maine channell, and so lost theyr more profi-
table
course to the sea: so wee by providing
euery ones selfe divinity enough for his owne
use, should neglect our teachers and fathers.
Hee cannot hope for better Heresyes than hee
hath had, nor was his kingdome euer so much
advanced by debating religion (though with
some Aspersions of Errour) as by a dull and
stupid security in wchwhich
many grosse things are swallowed.
possibly---
182
424
possibly out of such an Ambition as wee now haue to
speake playnly and fellowlike with lords and kings
wee thinke also to acquaynt our selues with Gods
secrets. Or perchance when wee study it by mingling
humane respects, it is not Diuinity.
7 Why hath the
cōmoncommon opinion
affoorded woemen Soules
It is agreed that wee haue not so much from them
as any part of eyther our mortall soules of
sence, and or growth;
And wee denye soules to
others æquall to them in all but speeche for
wchwhich
they are beholding onely to theyr bodily
instruments, for parchance an oxes heart
or a gotes or a foxes or a serpents, would
speake iust so if it were in the brest and could
moue that tongue and iawes. Haue they so much
many Advantages and meanes to hurt vs (for even
theyr louing destroyes vs) that wee dare not displease
them, but giue them what they will, and so when some
call them Angels, some Goddesses, and the puputian
Heretikes made them Bishops, wee descend so much
with the streame to allow them soules. Or doe wee
somwhat, in this dignifying of them, flatter princes
and greate personages that are so much gouernd
by them? Or doe wee, in that easynesse and prodigality
wherewith wee dayly loose our owne soules, allow
soules to wee care not whome, and so labour to
perswade our selues that sith a woman hath a
Soule, a Soule is no greate matter? Or doe
wee lend them soules but for vse, since they for
our soule sakes giue theyr soules agayne, and
theyr bodyes to boote!
Or
425
or Perchance because the deuill who is all soule
doth most mischeefe, for convenience and propor-
tion
because they should come neere him wee allow
them some soules, And so as the Romans natura-
lized
some provinces in revenge, and made
them Romans onely because they should beare
the burden of the cōmoncommon wealth: so we haue
giuen woemen soules, onely to make them capable
of damnation.
8 Why are the fayrest falsest
I meane not of false Alchimy beauty, for then the
question should bee inverted why are the falsest
fayrest? It is not onely because they ar much solli-
cited
and sought for, for so is Gold, yet it is not
so cōmoncommon, And this suite to them should teach them
theyr valew and make them more reserued. Nor
is it because the delicatest bloud hath the best spirits,
for what is that to the flesh? Perchance such
constitutions haue the best witts, and there is no
proportionable subiect for woemans witts but
deceipt. Doth the mind so follow the temperature
of the body that because these complections ar
aptest
to change, the mind is therefore so too? Or
as Bells of the purest mettall retayne theyr
tinkling and sound longest: so the memory of the
last pleasure lasts longer in these, and disposes
them to the next! But sure, it is not in the
complection, for those that doe but thinke
themselues fayre are prsentlypresently
enclined to this
multiplicity of loues, wchwhich
beeing but fayre
in conceipt are false in deed, And so perchance
when they are borne to this beauty, or haue made it
183 or
426
or haue dreamt it they easily beleeue all Addresses and
Applications of every man out of a sence of theyr owne
worthi-
nesse, to bee directed to them,
which as
others, lesse worthy
in theyr owne thoughts, apprhendapprehend
not or discredit. But I thinke
the true reason is, that beeing like Gold in
many propertyes, (as that All snatch at them, That
the worst possesse them, That they care not how deepe
wee digg for them, and That by the Law of Nature
Occupanti conceditur) they would bee like it also in
this, That as Gold to make is selfe of vse admittes
Allay; so they that they may bee tractable and malle-
able
and currant haue for theyr Allay Falshood.
9 Why haue Bastards the best Fortune?
Because Fortune her selfe is a whore! But such are not
most indlugent to theyr children. The old naturall
reason (that these meetings in stolne loue ar more
vehement, and so contribute more spirit then the
easy and lawfull) might gouerne mee, but that I
see that mistresses are now become domestique
and, in ordinary, and they and wiues wayte but in
turnes, and agree as well as if they liu'dliued in the
Arke. The old Morall reason (That Bastards in-
herit
wickednesse from theyr parents, and so are in a
better way of prfermentpreferment
by hauing a stocke before
hand then those that must build all theyr fortune
vpon the poore weake stocke of originall sinne)
might prvayleprevayle
with mee, but that sinne wee are
fallen into such times as now the world might
spare the deuill because it could bee badd enough
without him, I see men scorne to bee wicked by example
or to bee beholden to others for theyr damnatōndamnation.
It
427
It seemes reasonable that sith Lawe robbs them of
Succession, and other ciuill benefits and they
should haue some thing else equiualent, As
nature, wchwhich
is Lawes paterne, hauing denyed
woemen constancy to One, hath prouided them
with cunning to allure many, And so Bastardes
de Jure should haue better witts and experience.
But (besides that by experience wee see many
fooles amongst them) wee should take from
them and of theyr cheefest helpes to
prfermentperferment
if wee should deny them to bee fooles. And
that (wchwhich
is onely left) that woemen choose
worthyer men then theyr husbands, is false, de
facto. Eyther then it must bee that the church
hauing remooud them from all place in the
publike seruice of God, they haue better meanes
then others to bee wicked, and so fortunate, or
else because the two greatest powers in the
world the diuell and princes concurre to theyr
greatnesse, the one giuing Bastardy, and the
other Legitimation, as Nature frames and
conserues greate Bodyes of Contraryes. Or
Perchance it is because they abound most at
Court, wchwhich
is the forge where fortunes are made,
or the shopp where they are sold.
10 Why doth Venus starre onely
cast a Shadowe?
Is it because it is neerer the earth? But they
whose profession it is to see that nothing bee
donne in heauen without theyr consent
(as
184
428
(as Ripler sayes in himselfe of all Astrologers) haue bidd
Mercury to bee nearer. Is it because the workes of Venus
neede shadowing and disguising? But those of Mercury
neede it more. For Eloquences occupation is all shadowes
and colours. Let our life bee a sea, and then our reason, and
even passions, ar wind enough to carry vs whither wee
should goe, but Eloquence is a storme and tempest that
miscarryes vs. And who doubts but that Eloquence (which
must perswade people to take a yoake of Soueraignty,
and make lawes to tye them faster, and then giue monny
to the Invention, repayring and strengthning it) needes more
shadowes and colours then to perswade any man or woman
to that wchwhich
is naturall, And Venus markets ar so
naturall, that when wee sollicite the best way (which
is by marriage) our perswasions worke not so much to
drawe a woman to vs, as, agaynst her nature, to
drawe her from all others besides, And so when wee goe
agaynst nature and from Venus workes (for Marriage
is chastity) wee neede shadowes and colours, but not
else. In Senecas time it was a course vnromane
and a contemptible thing, even in a matron, not to
haue a louer besides her husband,
wchwhich though the
Lawe required not at theyr hands; yet they did it
Jealously, out of the counsell of the custome and
fashion, wchwhich was Venery of Supererogation.
Et te spectator plus quam delectat Adulter,
Sayth Martiall. Horace, because many lights would
not shewe him enough, created many Images of the
same Obiect, by waynscotting his chamber with
looking-glasses. So then Venus flyes not light so
much as Mercury, who creeping into our vnder-
standing
in our darkenesse, were defeated if hee
were perceaued. Then eyther this Shadowe
confesseth that same darke Melancholly repentance
(which
429
wchwhich accompanyes it.
Or that so vyolent fires neede
some shadowy refreshing and intermission, Or else
Light signifying both day and youth, and shadowe
both Night and Age, Shee pronounceth, by this,
that shee professeth both all times and persons
11 Why is Venus Starre multinominous
both Hesper and Vesper?
The Moone hath as many names, but not as shee
is a starre, but as shee hath divers gouernments.
But Venus is multinominous, to giue example
to her prostitute disciples, who so often, eyther
to renew and refresh themselues towards louers,
or to disguise themselues from Magistrates, ar
to take new names. It may bee shee takes many
names, after her many functions. fforFor as she is
supreme Monarch of all Love at large (which
is lust) so shee is ioyned in CōmissionCommission by all
Mythologists with Juno, dyana, and all others,
for marriage. It may bee, because of the diuers
names of her Affections, she assumes divers names
to her selfe, fforFor her Affections haue more names
then any vice sc:scilicet
Pollution, ffornicationFornication, Adultery,
Lay Incest, Church Incest, Rape, Sodomy,
Mastupration, Masturbation, and a thousand
others. Perchance her diuers names shew her
Applyablenesse to diuers men. fforFor Neptune
distilled, and wept her into Love,
she
185
430
the sunne warmd and melted her, Mercury
perswaded
and swore her;
Jupiters authority secur'd, and Vulcan
hāmerdhammered her.
As Hesperus shee prsentespresentes you with her
Bonum vtile, because it is
pleasantestwholesomest in the morning,
as Vesper, with her BonūBonum Delectabile because it is
pleasantest in the Evening. And because Industrious
men rise and endure, with the Sunne, theyr ciuill
businesse, this starr calls them vp a little before,
and remembers them a little after, for hir businesse.
fforFor
certaynly Venit Hesperus, Ite Capellæ, was
spoken to Lovers in the persons of Goates. /
12 Why is there more Variety of
Greene then of other Coloures?
Is it because it is the figure of youth wherein Naturesture
could prouide as many greenes as youth hath Affections?
And so present a Sea-greene for profuse wasters in
voyages, A grasse-greene for suddayne new men
ennobled from Grasiers, And a Goose-greene for
such Politicians as pretend to preserue the
Capitoll. Or else prophetically forseeing an Age
wherein they should All hunt. And for such
as misdemeane themselues a willow greene. Or
because shee would bee able to shewe and furnish
Greene Merchants, Greene Lawyers, Greene
Captaynes, Greene Priuy Counsellors, and
Greene Prelats properly.
13. Why doth
431
13 Why doth the Poxe so much affect
to vndermine the nose
Paracelsus perchance sayth true, that every
disease hath his exaltacōexaltacion in some certayne part, but
why this in the nose? Is there so much Mercy in
this disease that prouides that one should not
smell his owne stinke? Or hath it but the
cōmoncommon fortune that beeing begot and bredd in
the secretest corners, because therefore his Ser
-
pentine
crawling, and Insinuation should not
bee suspected nor seene, hee comes sooner into greate
place, and is abler to destroy the worthyest Member
then a disease better borne. Perchance as mise
defeate Elephants by gnawing theyr proboscis, wchwhich
is theyr nose, this wretched Indian Vermine practises
to doe the same vpon vs. Or as the Ancient and
furious custome and connivence of some Lawes
(that one might cutt off theyr nose whome hee deprhendeddeprehended
in Adultery) was but a type of this, and that now
more charitable Lawes haue taken away all revenge
from particular hands, this cōmoncommon Magistrate is
come to doe the same office invisibly. Or by with-
drawing
this
conspicuous part the nose, it
warnes from adventuring on that coast (for it is
as good a marke to take in a flagg, as to hang
out one.) Possibly heate, wchwhich is more potent and
actiue then cold, thought her selfe iniurd, and
the harmony of the world out of tune, when
cold was able to shewe the high way to noses in
Muscovy except shee found the meanes to doe
the same in other countryes.
186
But
432
But because, by the consent of all there is an Analogy
and proportion, and Affection betweene the nose, and
that part where this disease is first contracted,
(And therefore Heliogabalus chose not his miniones
in the Bath but by the nose, And Albertus had a
knauish meaning when hee prferrdpreferrd greate noses, and
the Licentious Poet was called Naso Poeta) I thinke
this reason is neerest truth, That the Nose is most com-
passionate with that part, Except this bee neerer
That it is reasonable that this disease in particuler
men should affect the most eminent and perspicuous
part, wchwhich in men in generall doth affect to take
hold of the most eminent and conspicuous men. /
14. Why are new Officers least oppressing?
Must the old Proverbe that old doggs bite sorest
bee true in all kind of dogges? Mee thinkes the fresh
memory of the monny they parted with for the place
should hasten them for the reinbursing. And ꝑchanceperchance
they doe but seeme easyer to theyr Suitors, who, as
all other Patients, doe account all change of payne
ease. But if it bee so, it is eyther because the suddayne
sence and contentment of the honorhonour of the place,
retards and remitts the rage of theyr profits, and
so, hauing stayd theyr stomacks, they can forbeare
the second course a while, Or hauing overcome
the steepest part of the hill and clamberd
aboue competitions and oppositions, they
dare loyter and take breath. Perchance beeing
come from places where they tasted no gayne, a
little seemes much to them at first (for it is long
before a Christian conscience overtakes, or
strayes into an Officers heart)
It may
433
It may bee that out of the generall disease of all men
not to loue the Memory of a prdecessorpredecessor, they seeke to
disgrace them by such easynesse, and so make good first
Impressions, that so hauing drawne much water to
theyr myll they may after grind at ease. ffFor if
from the rules of good horsemanshipp they thoughthought it
wholesomest to iett out in a moderate pace, they should
also take vp towards theyr Iournyes end, and mend
theyr pace continually, and gallop towards theyr
Inne dore the graue. Except perchance theyr consci-
ence
at that time so touch them, that they thinke
it an Iniury and dāmagedammage both to them that must
Sell, and to him that must buy the office after
theyr death, and a kind of dilapidacōndilapidacon, if they,
by continewing honest, should bringdiscredit the place and bring it to a
lower rent and vndervalew. /
15. Why doe Puritans make long Sermones?
It needes not for perspicuousnesse, ffFor God knowes
they are playne enough. Nor doe all of them vse
long Semibreefe Accents, for some of them haue
Crotchets enough. It may bee they intend not to rise
like glorious Tapers and Torches, but like thinne
wretched and sick watchcandles, wchwhich are in a diuine
consumption from the first minute, yea in theyr
very snuff and stinke when others are in theyr
more profitable glory. I haue thought sometimes
that out of conscience they allow large measure
to course ware, And sometimes that vsurping
in that place a liberty to speake freely of
Kings, they would raigne as long as they could.
But now I thinke they doe it out of a Zealous
Imagination that, hauing brought theyr Auditory
a sleepe, it is theyr duty to preache on till they
wake agayne . /
187
16. Why are
4434
16. Why are Statesmen most Incredulousible?
Are they wise enough to follow theyr excellent Patterne
Tiberius, who brought the Senate to bee diligent and
industrious to beleeue him, were it never so opposite or
diametrall, as that it destroyd theyrhis very ends, to bee
beleeued? As Asinius Gallus had almost destroyedceaued this man
by beleeuing him, And the MayorMayour and Aldermen of
London Richard the Third. Or are the businesses whereabout
these men ar conversant, so coniecturall, and so subiect to
vnsuspected Interventions, that therefore they are forcd
to speake oraculously, multiformily, whisperingly, gene-
rally (and thereby escapingly) in the language of
Almanackmakers, for weathers? Or are those (as
they call them) Arcana Imperij, as, by whome the
Prince prouokes his lust, and by whome hee vents it,
Of what cloth his socks are, and such like, so deepe
and so vnreueald, as any error in them is inexcu-
sable? If these were the reasons, they would not onely
serue for State businesse. But why th will they tell
true what a clocke it is and what weather, but
abstayne from truth of it, if it disconduce to theyr
ends, as witches which will not name Jesus,
though it bee in a curse? Eyther they knowe little
but in theyr owne elements, or a custome in
one matter begets a habit in all; or, the lower
sort Imitate the Lords, they theyr Princes;
Or else they beleeue one another, and so
never heare truth. Or they abstayne from
the little channell of truth, least at last
they should find the fountayne, God. /
17 Why doth
435
17. Why doth Johannes Sarisburiensis writing
de Nugis Curialium handle the
providence and Omnipotency of God?
Though the stoicks charge theyr Adversaryes (who putt
free will, and make vs all wicked, (since
nothing, naturally, denyes that wchwhich is ill,) to make
our life a madnesse, And /They/ charge the stoickes
who putting prouidence and necessity, doe
yet admitt Lawes and rewards, paynes and endevours)
that they make all but a iest and a toye: yet I thinke
this Churchman did not so, because hee thought hee
knewe how both those might consist together, because beeing
of the family of Thomas of Becket, (who was a greate
Courtier), As hee put hunting and gamming and wan-
tonnesse
for the toyes of a Lay-Courtier: he ment
such meditations as those for the toyes of Clergy CortiersCourtiers
for the worthyest Mistery may bee annihilated, as the
heauyest mettall may bee beate so thinne that you
may blowe it away. But those times admitted
no Iesting agaynst the church. And for the other
Courtiers, hee could not taxe nor accuse them,
that in theyr sportfull life they overreached to
those high contemplacōnscontemplacions, for they never thinke on
them. Nor could hee reproche them by this, that
all things wchwhich they doe are toyes, for they are seriously
wicked. Eyther therefore hee ment to insinuate and
convey his doctrine by desguising it amongst toyes,
of which (in things inclineable to good) hee thought
them onely capable Or else hee put a tricke of
logike, wchwhich is reason (and they are men of passion)
vpon them, That by drawing them into a doubting
and disputing of some particular Attributes
of God, they might, before they were aware,
implicitely confesse thus there was one.
188
436
18 Why doe Woemen so much delight
in Feathers?
To say Similis Simili is too round, and tooit is obuious to
every one. And it is besides the scope of my reason in my
Problemes, wchwhich extends onely ad verisimile, not to expresseexpresse
an vndenyable truth, as this reason is. It must bee
confest that some men also loue feathers, but they are
courtiers or souldiers, men (though perfectly contrary
in theyr courses, yet) concurring in a desire of pur-
suing
woemen, and assimilating themeselues vnto them, Nor
is there any thing so proper to woemen which is not
sometimes intruded vpon by them, fforFor Princes vsurpe
vpon falshood, OffieresOfficeres vpon Scraping, the Clergy vpon
Brawlings, These de iure belong to woemen, who beeing
cōmunicablecommunicable creatures, and hauing no good, must cōmu-
nicatecommu-
nicate theyr ill. Eyther they thinke that feathers imitate
wings, and shewe theyr restlesnesse and Instability.
Or by wearing of feathers they would haue a title
to thata roome in that verse, where Petrarch reckens
vp to Boccace what things haue bannished Vertue.
La Gola il sonno et l'otiose piume
fforFor Petrarch is no where so superfluous to repeate agayne
that wchwhich hee had already sayd in this word sonno.
Nor could hee haue calld the featherbedds Idle bedds,
fforFor idle Beddes haue not donne so much agaynst
vertue as they, (for Gregory the 3d grewe learned
in his bedd). Therefore by feathers hee exprssethexpresseth some
inseperable (companion of Woemen, or Woemen them-
selues.
Perchance as they are, in matter, they would
bee also, in name, like Embroyderers, Paynters, and
such Artificers of curious Vanityes, wchwhich Varro
and the vulgar edition call Plumarios (for I dare
not thinke them of so good conscience and humility that
they confesse they deserue to bee Emplumados
the
437
the punishmtpunishment wchwhich the Spanish Justice inflicts vpon
looser woemen. Or else they loue feathers vpon
the same reason wchwhich makes them loue the vnworthyest
men, wchwhich, is, that they may bee thereby excusable
in theyr Inconstancy and often change. Or by this
they haue vtterly excluded themselues from entring
into any definition of man. fforFor as before they found
Aristotles definition Animal rationale peremptory
agaynst them: So now they haue shutt vp that
of Plato or Pseusippus, Animal bipes implume.
19. Why did the Deuill reserue
Iesuits for these later times?
Did hee knowe our Age would denye the Deuills
possessions, and therefore proceede by these to
possesse men and kingdomes? Or, to end the
disputacōndisputacion of Schoolemen, why the Deuill could
not make Lyce in Egipt, and whether those thinges
wchwhich hee prsentedpresented there might bee true, hath hee
sent vs a true and reall plague worse then
all those Ten? Or in ostentation of the great-
nesse
of his kingdome (wchwhich even disunion cannot
shake) doth hee send these wchwhich disagree with all
the rest? Or knowing that our times should
discouer the Indyes, and abolish /theyr/ Idolatry,
doth hee send these to giue them another for it?
Or peradventure they haue bin in the Romane
church this 1000 yeares though wee haue
called them by other names.
189
438
Description of a Scot at first sight
At his first appeering in Charterhouse an oliue colourd
veluet suite owned him, wchwhich since became Mouse dunne.
A payre of vnscoured stockings Gules. One indifferent
shooe. His Band of Edenborough and his cuffs of London,
both strangers to his shirt. A white feather in a hatt
that had bin sodd. One onely cloake for therayne, wchwhich
yet hee made serue him for all weathers. A barren
halfe Acre of face, in middst whereof an eminent
nose aduanced it selfe, like the new mount at
Wansted overlooking his beard, and all the wild
country thereaboutes. Hee was tended enough, but
not well, for they were certayne dumb creeping
followers, and yet they made way for theyr Master
theyr Laird. At the first prsentmentpresentment his Breeches
were his Sumpter, and his pockets, Trunks, cloke-
baggs,
Portmantuus and All. Hee then grewe
a knight wright, and there is extant of his ware
at 100, 150 and 200ls price. Im̄ediatelyImmediately vpon this
hee shifted his suite, so did his whore, and to a
Bearebayting they went, whither I followd them
not, but x Tom Thorney did / x a surgeon famous
for S.
Character of
A Dunce.
Is a Soule drownd in a lump of flesh, Or a peece of earth
that Prometheus put not halfe his proportion of
fire into. A thing that hath neyther Edge of
desire, nor feeling of Affection in it. The most
dangerous creature for confirming an Atheist, who
would strayt sweare his Soule was nothing but the
Temperature of his Body.
Hee
439
Hee sleepes as hee goes, and his thoughts seldome
reache any further then his eyes. The most part
of the facultyes of his soule lye fallow, and are
like the reasty Iades that no spurr can driue
forward towards the pursuite of any worthy designes.
One of the most vnprofitablest of Gods creatures,
beeing, as hee is, made vp for the Cart and the flayle
and vnfortunately intangled amongst bookes and
papers. A man cannot tell possibly what Hee is
now good for, saue to moue vp and downe and fill
roome, or to serue as animatūanimatum InstrumentūInstrumentum for others
to worke withall in base employments, or to bee a foyle
for better witts, or to serue (as, they say, Monsters
doe) to set out the variety of Nature and Ornament
of the Vniuerse. Hee is meere nothing of himselfe,
neyther eates, nor drinkes, nor goes, nor lookes, nor
spitts, but by imitation, for all
wchwhich hee hath sett formes
and fashions, wchwhich
never varyes, but sticks to with
the like plodding constancy that a Myllhorse followes
his trace. Both the Muses and the Graces are his
hard Mistresses, though hee dayly invocate them:
Though hee sacrifice Hecatombes, they looke asquint.
You shall note oft (besides his dull eye, and louting)
head, and a certayne clāmyclammy benumbd pace,) by a
fayre displayd beard, a night Capp and a gowne
whose very wrinkles proclayme him to bee the true
Genius of formality. But of all others his
discorsediscourse
and Compositions best speake him, Both of them
ar much of one stuff and fashion. Hee speakes
iust what his booke or last companion sayd vnto
him, without varying a whitt, and very seldome
vnderstands himselfe. You may knowe by his
discorsediscourse
where hee was last, for what hee heard or read
yesterday hee now discharges his memory or note
booke of, not his vnderstanding, for it neuer-
came there. What hee hath hee flings abroad
at all adventures, without accomōdatingaccommodating it to
time, place, persons, or ocasions.
190
Hee
440
Hee cōmonlycommonly loosth himselfe in his tale, then flutters vp
and downe windlesse without recouery, and whatsoever
next prsentespresents
it selfe his heauy conceit seizeth vpon, and
goeth along with, however Heterogeneall to his
matter in hand. His iests ar eyther old fledd Proverbes
or leane starud hackny Apothegmes, or poore ver-
ball quipps,
out worne by seruing men, tapsters, and
milkemaydes, even layd aside by Balladers. Hee assentes
to all men that bring any shaddow of reason, and you
may make him, when hee speakes most dogmatically,
with one breath to answere pure contradictions,
His Compositions differ onely TerminorūTerminorumpositione
from dreames, nothing but rude heapes of imāteriallimmateriall
incoherent drossy rubbish stuff promiscuously
thrust vp together, Enough to infuse dulnesse and
barrennesse of conceit into him that is so prodigall
of his eares as to giue the hearing, Enough to
make a mans memory ake with suffering such durty
stuff cast into it, as vnwelcome to any true con-
ceit as sluttish morsells, or wallowish potions to
any stomack, wchwhich
whilst hee emptyes himselfe of
it sticks in his teeth, nor can hee bee deliuered with-
out sweats and sighs and hēmshemms
and Coughs, enough
to shake his Grandams teeth out of her head.
His hearers spitt, and scratch and yawne and
stampe and turne like a sick man from side to
side, from sitting to leaning, from one elbowe to
another, and deserve as much pitty during theyr
Torture as a man in a fitt of a Tertian FeaverFeaver,
or a selfe-lashing Penitentiary. In a word, ripp
him quite asunder and examine every shread of him
you shall find him to bee iust nothing but the subiect
of Nothing, the Obiect of contempt. Yet such as hee
is you must take him, for there is no hope hee
should ever become better./